Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
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What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Love is always patient and kind.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.