My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
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“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60