“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
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I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
They’re on their honeymoon
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
#parenting
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin