[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
You Might Also Like
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Liquor Store Parking
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.