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EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
A small tragedy.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.