Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
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*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out