Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
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If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
This anagram machine is out of order.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.