They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
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“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.