Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
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My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Discuss
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My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
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6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
There’s never enough good news
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Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
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Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors