Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
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Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.