You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
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Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch