I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
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If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I know this now 😂
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!