ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
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Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
me and who
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.