“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
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a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
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