“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
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My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri