doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
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*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
nobody’s gonna understand
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.