You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

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“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb


[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule


911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”


Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.


Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.


I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.


At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”


Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight

That’s how a good marriage works people.


15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!