You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
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you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.