@HansomeHoosier “You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
@antheanton You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
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@HansomeHoosier 
@Reverend_Scott [asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
@FrogAvalanche 911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
@LoveNLunchmeat Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
@VerifiedDrunk Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
@SuperRandomish I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
@bourgeoisalien At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
@stpeteyontweety Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
@thegoodgodabove 
@Keys_To_Me 15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!