[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
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please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.