I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Okay
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous