I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

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One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…


I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.


“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.


Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.


My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.


Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more


Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.


I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.


In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.