Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
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Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
“and how does that make you feel?”
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds