Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal