I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
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Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.