I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
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Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.