I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
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ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Knock Knock
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[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.