I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
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[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
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I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
This a good idea
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Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job