A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
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Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
checking out some reviews of my local library
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”