A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
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I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Watermelon Boss!
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Check out the legs on this baby
A French press is when you hug naked
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
this post was so formative to me
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?