Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
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One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Me too
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.