70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
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We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)