Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meanwhile in Portland…

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”

Me: Oh problem, definitely

“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”

Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

(credit Morgz, account missing)

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.