Whoa… oh I see lol
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Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*