Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
You Might Also Like
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
A new level of troll.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT