me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
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“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”