KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
You Might Also Like
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time