Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply