They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
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Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.