Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
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marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.