It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
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“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.