“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
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Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
This sounds bad:
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”