Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
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Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.