Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
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In case you needed to hear it:
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
oh my god
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.