My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
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*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids