My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
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Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.