My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
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“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
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Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
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[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I am all good here, 😂😉
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“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
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Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”