“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
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I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.