if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
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so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant