*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
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Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I feel attacked.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
There is no “ea” in Tim.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.