6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
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Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.