had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
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You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS