5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
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[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.