Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
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I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.