So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
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Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes