so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
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Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
There is no “ea” in Tim.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards