Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
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Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
sir, my pâté if you please
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.