My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
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People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”