First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
You Might Also Like
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.