First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
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Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
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Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.